Day 22 of 31 reality

3/22/2019

I haven't mastered the art of smiling and nodding or saying the right things when they aren't really true. It would help me if I could BS with the best of them, but I'm too earnest. I strive to keep it real. I see no point in acting as if something is going well when it is not.

In a few days, I will be asked to reflect on a professional development experience. I will have to leave sub plans and go to a meeting where I will feel like I'm on the hot spot to share my thoughts on how things are going. After 17 years of teaching, after thousands of my own dollars spent on books to enrich my students learning as well as my own, after classes taken to grow, after being the facilitator for professional experiences...I will be asked to justify my teaching to those who are not and have not been classroom teachers for some time. Those who have not had to teach real children in real time as I do, every day.

I should be fine with this. Right?

I should not feel the tears already starting at the idea of being judged for not meeting the impossible standards set.

It is so easy to tell others how to do something but so very difficult to put it into practice yourself, day after day, with real children who have real problems and need instruction in every area of the curriculum.

Theories sound wonderful until you test them out with real kids. This is when teaching can bring you to your knees. A pace that never slows. A day that is full of lessons you need to plan, assessments to give, assessments to grade, parents to communicate with.....its all part of the job. But what hurts the most is when people who don't do the njitty gritty of this work are hailed as experts and tell the people in the arena, with the blood and sweat on their faces, how to do it better. Sitting on the sidelines, filing their nails while you are getting whomped in the ring.

I wish the curriculum experts would give those props to the teachers who do it all everyday. I wish they would say, "I know you are balancing so much and working so hard. I want to help you and make it easier for you to teach this one area that I have spent so much time understanding and perfecting."

I wish after 17 years of working so hard I wouldn't feel the way I do tonight.

14 Comments

Angela Faulhaber link

3/22/2019 05:43:51 pm

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. I'm a literacy coach and I am in awe of all that teachers do every day. It is my honor to serve teachers, to help make their job just a smidge easier. But, you're right. Too often folks out of the classroom just seem to forget how HARD it is. I find myself reminding them often. I hope that someone sees your hard work and finds the words to honor it.

Elana Waugh link

3/22/2019 05:55:35 pm

I have been teaching for 22 years. Years ago I stopped caring what people thought. As long as I knew what I was doing in my classroom was right for the kids, I did it. It sounds to me as though you have a passion for what you do. When you have to answer those questions, answer them with the same passion that you wrote this poem tonight. Do not justify why you do what you do. Show them through your voice that you do what you feel is right for the kids. You got this!

Kathleen

3/23/2019 05:34:48 am

Thanks so much, Elana. I think I need to get to that place but right now it hurts. I will take a deep breath, strategize, and do my best to professionally share my thoughts.

3/23/2019 05:33:44 am

Thanks so much, Angela! I appreciate your words and the teachers who work with you are SO lucky. Thanks for sharing that message to all who will listen.

Heidi Atlas

3/22/2019 05:54:55 pm

Kathy - I so know what you're saying, and I think every teacher has experienced exactly this. Teaching in real time with real students who have real problems is one of the hardest jobs in the world. I so know those tears that are already welling. But please don't let this undermine your confidence. You are an amazing, thoughtful, compassionate, creative teacher who is always striving to do her best. Your students are so lucky. And you have helped and inspired so many teachers be their best. I hope you can have a peaceful and joyful weekend. You're the best!

3/23/2019 05:35:57 am

Thank you Heidi! I know you've been there, too. You are always such a cheerleader to me and having professionals like you in my corner just means the world. It helps on the days when I feel like this. Trying to regroup and think through the best way to share my ideas so they will be heard.

Katy Collins

3/22/2019 05:57:41 pm

Oh...I am so sorry that you are in this position. You are the only one in that room that will know the truth, though, and you must speak it if they will hear it. Advocate for what's best for those kids. I was in this exact situation last year, and moved districts because of it. I can't go with the "flow" of theory when it's not what's best for the students I see everyday. And you're right, you've done your job well for too long to be put in a position of having to feel like this!!! You've got this. I'm sorry.

3/23/2019 05:37:31 am

Thanks Katy! I hope your new district is a better fit. I agree that I need to speak my truth in a way that it can be received. Writing this post helped me get out some of the emotion. Hoping I can share my thoughts in a more professional manner now that I got it off my chest a little.

Julie K

3/22/2019 06:15:58 pm

Your passion for education and your students show in your writing.

3/23/2019 05:39:26 am

Thanks so much, Julie!

Betsy Hubbard link

3/22/2019 06:44:38 pm

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I can relate to the feelings of judgment and ridicule. "How do you know students are reading...what will you do about this area of writing being lower than the rest...how will you address your students geometry scores while continuing to teach multiplication fluency by the end of the year..." It seems to never end. There is rarely a, "wow, this looks so great," or "I see you seeking out learning opportunities," or "you are a leader by example." It is often all about numbers and I always fight back with the human aspect of what I do and I don't waver, but it doesn't mean the sting goes away any sooner. I too, can't nod my head, or pretend all is grand. Just know you are not alone. Also, trust in your greatness, because I see you and I know you are doing great things with great results. I know you didn't write this for a pat on the back, but I'm sending it to you anyway.

3/23/2019 05:41:54 am

Thank you Betsy! Thanks for validating my feelings and understanding. It would mean so much to be recognized at times for those efforts....I just wish those who aren't in the classroom with their own group of kids could see how hard it is to do all that we are asked to do.Tired of feeling like a failure at a profession that I have dedicated my life to.... Thanks again for the virtual pat on the back! :)

mrssurridge

3/22/2019 08:38:03 pm

This is so frustrating. I have followed you for a few years now and know about your passion for teaching children. I was just listening to a podcast on leadership. The speaker emphasized how important it is to include those in the trenches in all leadership decisions. That they are the ones who see things as they really are. I can tell that is you. You are in the trenches fighting for your students. Your tears and frustration are justified and completely understood. I would feel the same way. I know you are balancing so much and working so hard!

3/23/2019 05:44:14 am

Thank you Shelly for those kind words! I would love to know more about the podcast that talked about sharing leadership with those in the trenches. Thank you for validating my feelings and understanding where I'm coming from. Taking a deep breath and working to make my message one that can be heard at my meeting. Thanks again!

Courage Doesn't Always Roar:
The Quest to Be Better Each Day