For years, I have written in notebooks, "I am a size 6", persuaded that I could manifest that reality by writing it as if it were already true. Thinking on it now, I should have been trying to manifest way more important things, like world peace or sensible gun control. Alas, my personal goals for the last 30 something years have directly related on being thinner. The messaging I've internalized is a thin body is more worthy, more attractive, a symbol of success and having it all together. I listened to podcast after podcast and invested more money than I would like to admit where the messaging was you need to think better thoughts to achieve your goal. The reason you aren't losing weight is you are thinking incompletlely and immaturely. The reason you aren't consistent in your healthy eating is your weak will and weak mind.
The process of physical transformation involves so much work. Writing out your intentions and your goals each day, meal planning, meal prepping, problem solving social events (Will you eat before? Just have tea? Avoid the bread basket and taco chips at all costs!). I once brought cauliflower rice and stew to my sister's house on New Year's Day when everyone was having Chinese food. I didn't want to start a fresh new year with the calories from Chinese food, so I brought along my stinky cauliflower rice to my sister's complete chagrin. I thought I was prioritizing my health and weight loss goals by doing this, but now it just seems ridiculous. This summer, I read Anti-Diet: Reclaim Your Time, Money, Well-being and Happiness Through Intuitive Eating by Christy Harrison. Harrison makes the case that diets never work and always result in restrictions leading to overindulging, like a pendulum swinging back and forth. The idea that it isn't my own personal failure and weakness but a well recognized phenomenon that occurs to most people. I think of someone like Oprah, who has incredible gifts and overcame so much in her life. Yet, weight was how she defined herself for many years. Is Oprah someone with a weak mind or will? Absolutely not! So why did she struggle with weight gain and regain after every diet? I don't believe that it is poor thinking or a defect of lack of consistency. I think it is as Christy Harrison describes- dieting makes you obsess about food and is not sustainable. After over 35 years of messages that I am too big and need to be a smaller size to be acceptable, I am working to once again change my thoughts. This time, I am changing my thoughts around the need to endlessly diet. I am not writing down what I eat. I am not counting points or tracking calories. I am not writing down that I am a size 6 every morning of my life. I am not judging the success of a day on how much I ate or didn't eat. I am not engaging in conversations with friends about weight loss. I am weaning myself off of the podcasts that center on losing weight. I have deleted the WW app from my phone. I know this is a very hot issue for many of us- if you are a woman in American, you have likely been touched by diet culture. Iknow not everyone agrees with me about stopping the pursuit of weight loss. But just think about all the time and energy we pour into this pursuitand what we could maybe do with our lives if we turned our attention to other important matters? I feel ready to find out.
10 Comments
Erika Victor
7/26/2022 06:25:14 am
YES! So complicated. You are enough, just the way you are.
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I commend your bravery in writing this piece that shares your inner most thoughts and past actions. Having been bulimic for 20 years of my life, I can attest to the wasted time and energy that's released when one obsesses about food. It looks like your headed in the right direction to let this go.
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7/26/2022 07:13:11 am
Kathleen,
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All love and support to you and you make this big shift in your thinking. You write very clearly as you talk us through a long process. Your examples of the cauliflower rice and questioning yourself about Oprah are memorable and strong. And you are so correct- every American woman feels diet culture somehow.
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Glenda M. Funk
7/26/2022 11:26:53 am
I’ve joked that over the years I’ve lost 999 pounds, maybe more. Body shaming is how capitalism controls and profits off us. Go to Europe and eat the bread, the cheese, the chocolate, and you’ll likely lose weight. This is because there’s an entire food production and weight-loss culture conspiring to manipulate and profit from us. We’re headed to I eland Friday, and I’ll lose weight during the trip. It always happens when I travel because I won’t be eating the substandard food of the American industrial food complex. These days my health governs my weight concerns. Borderline A1C is a real concern. Still, I eat pizza, drink pineapple cider, and refuse to deny myself all the time. I also workout every day and am lucky I enjoy doing so. I don’t think we’ll truly be free of this ganglion cyst on society until we see systemic change in food production in this country.
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Oh, how I NEEDED to read this today, as I ordered several pairs of a size larger pants to start off the school year...when I had planned on fitting into my waiting, smaller sizes by summer's end. I have lost and gained the same 40 pounds twice already (or is it three times?). Obviously, what I've done before isn't sustainable. Now heading over to Amazon to check out that book recommendation...
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7/26/2022 03:24:56 pm
This sounds so liberating. I have been writing about weight loss all summer. It is so much work. I have been trying to develop small habits, such as drinking water, and I will wait to see what comes from that.
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7/27/2022 03:03:01 am
Kathleen, I love this evolution of thought and the sense of freedom that I come away with after reading. Reclaiming happiness...life is short, we get one shot; think of how much time is wasted in pursuits (diets or a thousand others) that are ultimately unfulfilling because of a flawed societal narrative. We are all individuals with unique gifts and talents, designed with the capacity for awe and the ability to love...I am still learning how to stop putting pressure on myself (I am hard on me) in order to savor more. It's one more reason why I write. Still evolving my thinking. And: You are one of the most beautiful people I know, truly.
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Stacey
7/28/2022 10:44:56 am
Many of us have struggled with our appearance and our relationship to the number on a scale. It's so hard.
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