One of the silver linings of the dark and stormy flu clouds that hung over our household this holiday season was time to organize. Being stuck in the house for days on end gave me some free time to work on little projects, one of which was organizing a bookshelf. As I straightened some photo albums, a piece of paper caught my eye. I took a closer look and found it was a letter of recommendation my former high school teacher wrote for me when I was applying for a Toyota Community Scholarship back in 1997. I did not win that scholarship, but 23 years later, rereading this letter filled my soul.
After a professional blow of not getting a position I applied for, I've been feeling a bit lost until I recently decided to focus more on PURPOSE (my #onelittleword) than position. Rereading this letter of recommendation affirmed my truest self- the traits and skills my teacher saw in me at 17 years old are the ones I still hold most dear. He wrote, "She is the best leader for both getting things done and motivating students that I have seen in my thirty years as an educator." What an amazing sentence. This teacher, who stands out in my mind always as one of my most memorable influences, said I was intelligent, articulate and committed. He said I had remarkable personal attributes, such as being self-motivated, a "doer", and that I care about people and want to help others improve themselves. He said I am a learner who craves knowledge. What he saw in me at 17 connects so much to what I've aligned my purpose to be and how I try to show up in the world. I often feel so inept. Like a failure in so many ways. I can't bake well or cook well, I haven't been able to consistently keep weight off, I am an awful parker. I'm having trouble feeling like I fit in with the other parents at my kids' school. I'm not great at crafting or making my house look especially pretty. I don't know how to make mixed drinks. I struggle with neatness and organization. There are people younger than me who are far more successful, wealthier, accomplished. But reading this letter, this long letter my teacher took the time to write, it has reminded me of who I am. Those traits he saw are still there. I am a learner. I am do-er. I am self-motivated. I do care about others. Those are the foundation of which I built my life. My teacher really saw me. He saw my potential and understood what I could offer the world. His example makes me realize how my words can have meaning for my students too- that one day a student might be feeling like she's a failure and inept, but might remember how much I believed in her. How much potential and good I saw. And she might take a deep breath, like I did, and resolve to think of herself more as the person in the letter than the one she has told herself she is.
10 Comments
Cathy Cohen
12/31/2019 04:18:16 am
Kathleen- Sorry to learn that you have been ill, but sure glad fate was meant to direct you to that letter! After seeing you at PTA, I know that the timing was perfect! YES, you still are a DOER! Anyone who follows you on Twitter can see that. But I would need to add— a PASSIONATE DOER! Your love for learning, caring and sharing is so very strong and genuine. What a special gift. Embrace and celebrate this! ♥️
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Kathleen
12/31/2019 05:02:22 am
Thank you so much Cathy! I appreciate that kind response! What a lovely message to read this morning. I hope you had a relaxing and fun holiday break. Happy New Year!
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12/31/2019 05:44:36 am
I can do relate! My desk is always a mess, I’m always trying to lose 20 pounds, I have papers from 20 years ago randomly hanging out in my kitchen. Thanks for the reminder not to focus on the deficits! Our connections to students are so important. How amazing that your teacher saw all of that in you!
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Kathleen
12/31/2019 11:24:01 am
Thank you Lisa! I long to be a person with everything in its place! Maybe this is my year! It is important to see all we have and offer the world because it is all too easy to focus on the negatives. Wishing you a very Happy New Year!
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Terje
12/31/2019 06:23:38 am
We can respond in different ways when we experience disappointment. You found the power in yourself, you remembered your core. You are strong. Wishing you health and happiness for 2020!
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Kathleen
12/31/2019 11:25:01 am
Thank you! It took a while to process the hurt and disappointment, but I think I'm coming out on the other side of it now. I appreciate your comment so much and wish you a beautiful and happy 2020!
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Glenda Funk
12/31/2019 10:13:34 am
Kathleen, words seem inadequate to express how important your post is to me, and I suspect to many others. I cried through most of this because I want to fix these feelings you’re having and make the world a better place for you, especially on the job. Professionally, I always think of myself as a bridesmaid and never a bride. I’m not good at forming deep, meaningful relationships, and I struggle to trust any positive words that come my way. And I fall apart w/ the slightest criticism. I’m glad you found that letter. I think I’ll reach out to my U and have my placement file unlocked and sent to me. I want to see what my teachers said, too. Thank you so very much for this post, for your honesty, for your generosity.
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Kathleen
12/31/2019 11:30:03 am
Oh Glenda....thank YOU for taking the time to respond to me in such an honest and vulnerable way. I suspect your students would have a very different view of you and your impact on them than the "bridesmaid never the bride". Words of affirmation are my love language so I completely understand why criticism is so painful and hard to accept. I think the reason this letter of recommendation struck me so much is the qualities he saw in me are the ones I think are still true- I am still a do-er, a learner, self-motivated. I do care about others. It hurts that my current professional supervisors do not see me the way this teacher did or don't value iti n the same way but I am learning that it is really my own estimation of worth that matters. I hope your file reveals heartfelt comments that resonate for you too. I hope this year brings feelings of peace and joy as you deserve that!
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12/31/2019 05:17:52 pm
I knew something good HAD to come of this untimely flu! I marvel at the timing of your finding this letter, all things considered. It is a reminder of your great strengths, the person you've always been. I cannot think of a bigger "carer" of people - you're gifted with an uncommonly nurturing heart, Kathleen. The world needs more of you ... and I have never been able to parallel park, just sayin'. Oh, and another strength: You're not afraid to write your truths. In doing this, you offer untold healing and hope to others.
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Oh, Kathleen, such a heartfelt post. And so much of it I could identify with. I'm always trying (last year's OLW) to lose weight, get organized, and exercise more. And you know what? I'm making slow, steady progress. And I'm a terrible parker too!
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