The news came.
Last week, I wrote about waiting to find out which direction life would go. I didn't reveal what I was waiting on, but now that I know, I'll fill you in, dear reader. I interviewed for a K-2 Instructional Coach position in my school and on Friday, I found out I was not chosen for the position.
All the emotions.
I put my heart into applying for this position because I really felt it would be such a good fit for me. With 10 years of experience teaching kindergarten and 5 years in third grade, I felt like I really understood where students start their journey and where they leave grade 2. For those reasons and others, I thought I could make a difference in that role. And so I drafted and revised my letter of interest, prepared a new resume, assembled a digital portfolio of all my teaching experiences, and shopped for a new interview suit. I started a Pinterest board on being an Instructional Coach. I found the hashtags to follow on Twitter (#educoach in case you were wondering!) I would wake up in the middle of the night with new ideas on how I could build new relationships with my colleagues and make them feel really supported.
And then all at once, the opportunity was gone. I am returning to my 3rd grade classroom, starting my 18th year of teaching with children after all.
The first emotions were hurt and disappointment, like a boulder lodged in my stomach. Disbelief came next. A feeling of rejection and shame. Wondering what good was it to dream and think of ideas that will never come to fruition? A feeling of wanting to hide and never try for anything again because it hurts so much to put it all out there, lay your heart on the line, and not be chosen.
It's been a few days now and the most painful feelings are passing. I'm thinking about my new third graders. My head is getting back into the idea of working with kids and the privilege that is to be a child's teacher. My son is starting third grade this year so we are excited to kind of be in third grade together. I'm planning my read alouds. I'm thinking of new activities for a morning soft start. I'm reading up on ways to make content more inquiry based. I'm happy to be part of my grade level team with the most fun and supportive colleagues. Many blessings in what I still have.
I share this here in case you tried for something with all your heart and it was a negative for you, too. Or if you think you might try but are afraid to fail. It hurts- no lie- but I would say, still try. When I look at my professional career thus far, I am so proud of what I've done. I am so proud of being a learner and a reader and a writer and an encourager and a leader. There is more to learn and so you can find me with my third grade students this year. We will be learning together.
Kathleen Neagle Sokolowski