Welcome, Summer Vacation! Oh how you have been missed.
Welcome alarm-clock free mornings.
Welcome rides to horseback riding camp each day.
Welcome time to sit on my screened in porch and read.
Welcome  lunch plans and daytime shopping. 
Welcome time to organize.
Welcome suntan lotion and bug spray. 
Welcome late sunsets.
Welcome blooming hydrangeas.
Welcome summer beach reads. 
Welcome this time in between the last school year and the next. 
Welcome Summer Vacation, Oh how you have been missed. 

Dear Pepper,
Tonight is your last night as our weekend guest. Tomorrow, you will return to the elementary school where I teach and where you were born a few weeks ago. We watched you bust out of your egg on a Youtube livestream, several days before you were due to hatch.  We thought you were the earliest of your siblings to arrive, but it turned out that no other siblings were born. You were the only egg out of 4 others to hatch. Thus, you've had no animals to cuddle with or bond with or learn how to be a duck with. 

When my colleague asked if I would take you home Memorial Day weekend, I hesitated. I do not know how to take care of a duck! I have a clingy dog who doesn't like to share the attention. How will this all work out, I wondered? My third grade team needed my help and so I agreed to take you home. My daughter, Megan was beside herself with glee. My son, Alex- not so much. "Why do we have to have a big duck in our living room?" he posited on your first night here. He did find you cute, though.

I don't meant to hurt your feelings, Pepper, but  you do poop a whole lot. I had to buy several plastic tablecloths to cover my screened in porch for when we took you out of your crate. You would zoom around fast, exploring. It must have felt so different to be out of the 4 walls of the plastic crate where you usually reside. 

I didn't really want to love you or get attached or worry about you when you leave our elementary school. But now that I've been the one responsible for keeping you alive these last few days, I'm emotionally invested in your survival and well-being. Will the other ducks accept you? Will you know how to interact with the other ducks? Will you learn how to swim? Will you find friends to cuddle with at night? Will you remember that when you were a duckling children read to you? And we played classical music for you when we went out so you wouldn't feel too quiet or too lonely? Will you know that you have been loved when you are out in the wild, making your way? 

I hope so.

Pepper, I will miss you. You remind me of the innocent nature of creatures and that being good to all beings is our responsibility always. I am rooting for you to go out love that big wide natural world! 

Love,
Kathleen
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You probably can't tell, but right now, on these Flying Swings, both of my children are here. All night long at Adventureland, they have run in opposite directions. It is the Wantagh Elementary School Night at Adventureland and the park is closed to everyone but our school families. Alex found friends and took off with them. I tailed Megan and her friends. At this May Moment, the sun was going down, though it was still warm and comfortable. On his way to the Flying Swings, I spot Alex and his friends. No nod of acknowledgement, no hi, nada. I know it's the age and try not to take it p ersonally, but I remember with longing the little boy who wanted to spend time with me. I try to find something poignant about life and the circular motion of the flying swings....maybe as Carly Simon sang, "I know nothing stays the same, but if you're willing to play the game, it will be coming around again..." Maybe in time, Alex will look for me, but I don't think ever in the same way he did when he was small. I wish I had held on tighter then, knowing those days were so precious and fleeting. 

It's probably a really bad sign that I didn't remember my One Little Word until I opened up this blog tonight. Apparently, January was the last time I blogged so my resolution to work on my writing habit hasn't quite worked out. 

But I'm here now. 

When I saw my forgotten OLW, I remembered that STEPS was actually a very good choice for this year. I've felt the need to take steps forward in my health, my happiness, and my career. Sometimes, it all feels so overwhelming, but one little step forward is all that is ever needed to get some momentum. Maybe, too, with my writing life. Maybe tonight's post is a positive step forward towards sharing my thoughts again in a public way. 

I've had some reluctance to do so. It feels like an unkind world in many ways- not a safe place to share your "first draft" thinking, which is often what I write on my blog (well, when I was writing regularly.) Another concern I have is that I change my mind- on my blog, I share that I am not giving homework anymore, but then circumstances change and homework seems like the right move again. I write that I am no longer going to diet, but then I realize that my health is suffering and I need habit change and lifestyle improvements to be my best self. It seems as soon as I write something, my thoughts shift and what I wrote isn't the entire story.  And so it feels scary to say something here and publish....only to realize that actually, I don't fully mean that anymore. 

But I think back to why my writing meant something to me before- and it was not to  impress anyone, really. It was to document my life- my teaching life, my life as a mom, my life as a person. And so I'm okay with my ideas evolving. I am going to be okay with writing an idea today that I might not buy into a month from now. Evolving thoughts show I am thinking, learning, growing and challenging myself. 

So, I'm going to try to share a picture a day with a related story and call it- "This May Moment." Of course, this will just be for the month of May.  Here is my first one....

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Wantagh Park Dog Park (small dog area)- Megan and my mom took Teddy to the dog park because 1) it was absolutely gorgeous out today and 2) Teddy needs to learn to socialize better with other dogs. Did it go well? It did not. The park was full of small, adorable dogs and some who probably could have gone in the larger dog section... Teddy cowered in the corner at first. Then he cowered under the picnic table and under the chairs.  Dogs came to smell him and chase but he did not engage. When I clipped his leash on, he seemed thrilled to be able to be leaving. He pulled hard and wagged his tail happily as we made our way out of the park. Teddy was much relieved to go back to Naya's house and be the only dog in the house. 

A list will be easy, I thought.
Just jot down 23 thoughts for 2023, I told myself.
Weeks later, I am trying to finish the list!  You can find the first installment here and the second installment here.

But now, finally, the last thoughts for this list....

14- Apparently geometry has been the area of math that everyone has given up on in the pandemic. When my current third grade students were in kindergarten, schools closed down in March. During online teaching, with all that kindergarteners need to know, geometry didn't make the cut. Fast forward to first grade, when some students were learning remotely and others were in school behind glass shields, wearing masks. Gaps had to be filled from the year before and geometry was the least of our worries people! Second grade....I can only imagine it was the same story- this time with everyone back in the building though and no glass shields. Our school i-Ready data shows that no one knows geometry. So now I'm thinking of how can I bring in geometry concepts at other times of the day to shore this up a bit? (Math friends- s hare ideas!)

15- My children are so much more skilled and talented than I ever was- at least, athletically. My son, Alex, is super fast and does well in all the sports he plays. My daughter, Megan, loves to horseback ride and recently started ice skating and rollerskating. I could never even stand in skates. I loathed the roller rink, but on Friday night, there she was, zipping around the rink on her light up skates even though she hasn't really ever roller skated. I'm so glad they are both like this. 

16-I am trying to unlearn many things about eating and how I feel about my body. It is new and different to not feel guilty for eating things like cookies or fries. The guilt still shows up but I try to tell it that there is no reason to feel badly about myself as a human being for eating a cookie or a french fry. My whole life, from a young age, I have been on a quest to change the way I eat and the way my body looks. Now, at 43, I am embracing a new mindset. I am loving what is (or trying to) without the constant quest to make myself smaller. I am teaching myself that food is neutral and eating it makes you neither good or bad. It is harder than you think to undo these lifetime thought patterns. 

17- I have crazy dreams at night- almost every night. There is no pattern with the dreams other than they are weird and usually stressful in some way. I'm wondering if I engage in some type of meditation at night if this will stop. I am open to any solutions anyone has on ways to calm your mind at night to have more peaceful sleep.

18- I've received a Grand Jury summons and will need to call in later this week to see if I need to  go to court. A librarian atm y school was on Grand Jury for over a month. There is a chance I can be selected and away from my school for weeks. I've never done another job except teaching since being 22 years old so it would be interesting to see how the courts are and experience something different for a short period of time. 

19- My sister and I took part in a Vision Board workshop this weekend. It was so much fun. I came to the workshop feeling like I don't really have a vision anymore for myself. My whole life- I wanted to be a teacher and a mom. I've been those things for a while now and I don't know what else to strive for. I was surprised that what came through during this exercise was a lot of ideas on framing my thoughts, choosing grace and happiness, looking for the silver linings, and embracing the ideas of self worth. These are what spilled across the page of my vision board.

20- My sister's vision board fit her perfectly- fashion, fine food, wine, fun, with sprinklings of gratitude and positive mindset. It was so funny to me how our vision boards did really express who we currently are as well as what we hope life will be like for us. She is a breast cancer survivor and that experience has reshaped how she views the world in a lot of ways. No time or reason to sweat the small stuff.

21- I always thought dogs were adorable, but after my son was badly hurt by one years ago, I really hated dogs. They were everywhere and I despised them and resented their presence. It makes it all the more wild to me that I love our dog, Teddy, with a fierceness that is hard to describe. We got Teddy in December of 2020- and adorable, gentle muppet-like cavapoo. He has brought our family so much joy and healing. We are all free to love dogs again- especially our Teddy. Holding him, stroking his soft curly fur- he brings joy to my days. It goes to show, you really can always change your mind.

22- I used to think it didn't matter if you didn't attend a wake or a funeral for someone you knew who lost a loved one. I figured they would not notice either way who is there. But after my own losses and hard times, I absolutely always knew who was there and never forgot w ho showed up. So now I try to show up. I try to attend wakes or funerals when someone I know has lost someone they love. I've learned that it really is important to do that.

23- I am aware of time passing yet also aware that the days right now are really precious. My son is 12 and my daughter almost 10. They are older but still little- still under my roof- still kids. In the next ten years, they will be adults- either in college or just out of it if that's their path. Ten years ago, my son was 2 and my daughter just about to be born. Wasn't that yesterday? And also forever ago? It reminds me not to waste these days and moments. Carpe Diem. 

​I made it! Whew! Next week, I can start a new topics! :) 

Glass half empty: I didn't show up last week to continue my 23 Thoughts post and make further progress on my goal to write more often.

Glass half full: I'm here now! No time like the present to continue my thoughts as 2023 is still in its first month.  

My previous post was here.  Let's continue on with number 7....

7. My daughter's trainer (at the barn where she takes horseback riding lessons) suddenly left the stable and now my daughter will need to train with someone new. She was so sad and worried about how things would go at her next lesson. Turns out, the lesson was super fun and more challenging and she had the biggest smile. Beforehand, I tried to tell her that sometimes clouds have silver linings, and she didn't really understand what I meant. But I think it was a silver lining moment. 

8. I really dislike January. It is a cold month, a joyless month, a month that holds sad memories. I decorated for Valentine's Day today and for the thought that February is coming. February is pink and red and chocolates and a week off of work. February is much preferred to January. 

9. I have felt a shift in my life- I've gone from striving and doing to ..being. It's like I worked hard my whole life trying to achieve and excel and stand out and I realized I was exhausted. I have resigned from committees. I'm eased out of commitments. I am learning to accept I am worthy even when I'm not achieving, or striving. It feels strange, though. 

10. My daughter is asking me to come get her mint chip iced cream. It is a nightly routine. She loves mint chip. But this is why it's hard to get my writing groove going- mint chip scooping among other mom and teacher tasks (and puppy mom tasks, too) that seem to always require my attention.

​13 more thought to go.....can I make it before January ends? 

Happy New Year- 2023! I am working to get back into the writing/blogging habit and currently have no ideas for this blog post! It's almost bedtime, with work/school starting tomorrow.....so doing my best to get a post in. I've made it challenging for myself by using 23 but easy enough because it's 23 random, unconnected thoughts. I've totally GOT this. Here we go.....

1- My son, Alex, will turn 13 this year.  I remember, 13 years ago this month, hiding in my supply closet in my kindergarten classroom to listen to the voicemail from the fertility clinic congratulating me that I was pregnant! Best. Voicemail. Ever. 

2- I used a Target gift card tonight to buy a new lunch tote, the new Taylor Jenkins Reid book and a blue tank top.  One of my students gave me the generous gift for the holidays and I thought tonight was the perfect night to use it. 

3- The holiday break is a hard one to come back from.  School before the holidays is not really school- it's a lot of fluffy, fun, celebratory activities, concerts and assemblies. It feels like ages since we did a full, regular, non-holiday-ish school day. 

4- I set my alarm for 5am to go to the gym tomorrow morning. I wonder if it will be crowded with the New Year newbies. I joined in November so am not a newbie.  

5-I've been listening to Susan Mallery's romance books on my phone, using the Libby app. It is the best app ever- so many books to borrow. I love audiobooks and find they keep me entertained in the car, while I do laundry and when cooking. The Happily Inc. series is adorable- the town centers around weddings- and I love all the characters. 

6- As I wrote this, I realized there was no way I can get to 23 before bedtime. But a stroke of genius- I can stretch this post into several weeks worth of thoughts! This could just be Part 1! As Blair from Facts of Life would say, "I just had another one of my BRILLIANT ideas!"

Stay tuned for next week....

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."
-Lao Tzu

Step one: Dust off my blog. 

Well, it's been a hot minute since I've been here. Or 5 months? Somehow, somewhere along the way, I stopped writing. It's been a season of undoing, giving things up, stepping back, slowing down.  For so long, it was full steam ahead. Climb, strive, reach. And then, suddenly, I felt the need to just stop. To just be. And, I just wasn't sure what to write anymore. 

It's almost a new year, and so I decided this is the perfect time to take a step towards being a writer again. Or remembering how to put words out into the universe bravely. I've loved the tradition of selecting #OneLittleWord to guide and inspire your year. In December, maybe on a day where I was walking on the treadmill, I decided STEPS will be my word. The journey from one place to another is not made in a leap but in a series of many small steps. 

This year, I am taking steps towards self-acceptance and self-love. Towards health- physical and emotional. Steps towards connection and happiness. Steps to organize my environment. Steps in the direction of friendship, love, appreciation and growth. As Miley Cyrus sings, "Ain't about how fast I get there...Ain't about what's waiting on the other side...
It's the climb." Here's to the climb in 2023!

​Have you selected a #OneLittleWord? 

For years, I have written in notebooks, "I am a size 6", persuaded that I could manifest that reality by writing it as if it were already true. Thinking on it now, I should have been trying to manifest way more important things, like world peace or sensible gun control. Alas, my personal goals for the last 30 something years have directly related on being thinner. The messaging I've internalized is a thin body is more worthy, more attractive, a symbol of success and having it all together. I listened to podcast after podcast and invested more money than I would like to admit where the messaging was you need to think better thoughts to achieve your goal. The reason you aren't losing weight is you are thinking incompletlely and immaturely. The reason you aren't consistent in your healthy eating is your weak will and weak mind. 

The process of physical transformation involves so much work. Writing out your intentions and your goals each day, meal planning, meal prepping, problem solving social events (Will you eat before? Just have tea? Avoid the bread basket and taco chips at all costs!). I once brought cauliflower rice and stew to my sister's house on New  Year's Day when everyone was having Chinese food. I didn't want to start a fresh new year with the calories from Chinese food, so I brought along my stinky cauliflower rice to my sister's complete chagrin. I thought I was prioritizing my health and weight loss goals by doing this, but now it just seems ridiculous. 

This summer, I read Anti-Diet: Reclaim Your Time, Money, Well-being and Happiness Through Intuitive Eating by Christy Harrison. Harrison makes the case that diets never work and always result in restrictions leading to overindulging, like a pendulum swinging back and forth. The idea that it isn't my own personal failure and weakness but a well recognized phenomenon that occurs to most people. I think of someone like Oprah, who has incredible gifts and overcame so much in her life. Yet, weight was how she defined herself for many years. Is Oprah someone with a weak mind or will? Absolutely not! So why did she struggle with weight gain and regain after every diet? I don't believe that it is poor thinking or a defect of lack of consistency. I think it is as Christy Harrison describes- dieting makes you obsess about food and is not sustainable. 

After over 35 years of messages that I am too big and need to be a smaller size to be acceptable, I am working to once again change my thoughts. This time, I am changing my thoughts around the need to endlessly diet. I am not writing down what I eat. I am not counting points or tracking calories. I am not writing down that I am a size 6 every morning of my life. I am not judging the success of a day on how much I ate or didn't eat. I am not engaging in conversations with friends about weight loss. I am weaning myself off of the podcasts that center on losing weight. I have deleted the WW app from my phone. 

I know this is a very hot issue for many of us- if you are a woman in American, you have likely been touched by diet culture. Iknow not everyone agrees with me about stopping the pursuit of weight loss. But just think about all the time and energy we pour into this pursuitand what we could maybe do with our lives if we turned our attention to other important matters? I feel ready to find out. 

On Sunday, watching Megan walk around Dover Saddlery, a store for equestrians,  I was  reminded of my younger self and how thrilled I felt to walk around teacher supply stores. Megan loved walking up and down the aisles, looking at the saddles and the    horse treats and the other horse-y things that I do not understand. She breathed in the smell of the store. She asked to do another lap around. She looked so happy. 

Watching her, it came back to me that I used to feel that way when I visited stores that sold planbooks and stickers and teacher workbooks. All the adorable supplies in one store! From a young age, I wanted to be a teacher and playing school was a passion. The store was the perfect place to see all my favorite things in one spot!

It dawned on me that Megan feels that way at Dover Saddlery. I don't relate to her passion for horses and horseback riding, but I do relate to loving something and feeling so happy to be in a place  where  everything  related to your passion is on  display. I am so happy Megan has a passion and we have a store to go to that allows such joyful exploration!
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