The news came.
Last week, I wrote about waiting to find out which direction life would go. I didn't reveal what I was waiting on, but now that I know, I'll fill you in, dear reader. I interviewed for a K-2 Instructional Coach position in my school and on Friday, I found out I was not chosen for the position. All the emotions. I put my heart into applying for this position because I really felt it would be such a good fit for me. With 10 years of experience teaching kindergarten and 5 years in third grade, I felt like I really understood where students start their journey and where they leave grade 2. For those reasons and others, I thought I could make a difference in that role. And so I drafted and revised my letter of interest, prepared a new resume, assembled a digital portfolio of all my teaching experiences, and shopped for a new interview suit. I started a Pinterest board on being an Instructional Coach. I found the hashtags to follow on Twitter (#educoach in case you were wondering!) I would wake up in the middle of the night with new ideas on how I could build new relationships with my colleagues and make them feel really supported. And then all at once, the opportunity was gone. I am returning to my 3rd grade classroom, starting my 18th year of teaching with children after all. The first emotions were hurt and disappointment, like a boulder lodged in my stomach. Disbelief came next. A feeling of rejection and shame. Wondering what good was it to dream and think of ideas that will never come to fruition? A feeling of wanting to hide and never try for anything again because it hurts so much to put it all out there, lay your heart on the line, and not be chosen. It's been a few days now and the most painful feelings are passing. I'm thinking about my new third graders. My head is getting back into the idea of working with kids and the privilege that is to be a child's teacher. My son is starting third grade this year so we are excited to kind of be in third grade together. I'm planning my read alouds. I'm thinking of new activities for a morning soft start. I'm reading up on ways to make content more inquiry based. I'm happy to be part of my grade level team with the most fun and supportive colleagues. Many blessings in what I still have. I share this here in case you tried for something with all your heart and it was a negative for you, too. Or if you think you might try but are afraid to fail. It hurts- no lie- but I would say, still try. When I look at my professional career thus far, I am so proud of what I've done. I am so proud of being a learner and a reader and a writer and an encourager and a leader. There is more to learn and so you can find me with my third grade students this year. We will be learning together.
26 Comments
8/6/2019 03:38:13 am
Your searing honesty always strikes me deeply, Kathleen - but never in a million lifetimes could I ever think of you remotely as a failure. You and your heart are a gift to us all. What an extraordinary coach you would (and will!) be -- for if that is where you feel you're being led, the doors will open. I predict magnificent adventures waiting just ahead ... :)
Reply
Kathleen
8/6/2019 04:34:02 pm
Thank you so very much Fran. Your words filled me with joy when I read them. I hope your husband continues to make progress in his recovery- it is moments like that where life sharply comes into focus and what matters is so very clear....as is what doesn't.
Reply
You are a coach. You coach all of us here, through your words and example. I’m a believer in everything happens for a reason. So perhaps, there is a student that really needs you this year or another more fitting position will arise. Thanks for sharing the negative and being so real.
Reply
Kathleen
8/6/2019 04:35:08 pm
Thank you Jessica! I really appreciated your comment and the idea that I am a coach after all. I am excited to meet my new students and I have a student teacher, too, so I think it's going to be a great year.
Reply
I'm sorry the universe was not ready for you in that role - but such things always make me think there's a reason and a purpose things have gone this way. We've all been there, though, can be a tough rebound. Appreciate your honesty in this world that can be projected as only perfect.
Reply
Kathleen
8/6/2019 04:37:08 pm
Thank you Catherine! Yes, I am learning lessons of resiliency and accepting what was not meant for me....at least for now. Embracing all I do have still. My heart was set on this position and I spent most of July dreaming about it so the news was like a door slamming shut. Reframing it now and looking to all that is still here and possible.
Reply
8/6/2019 04:01:16 am
Don't give up -- you are not a coach YET! You will be a great coach someday --this was just not your time. Thank you for sharing your heart - that is what this community is for. Onward - can't wait to hear your journey in third grade this year.
Reply
Kathleen
8/6/2019 04:39:14 pm
Thank you Clare! I agree- this community is the best place for sharing your teaching heart. I've been so lifted by today's comments. Grateful for you and all the educators here who took a minute to send me such inspiring thoughts.
Reply
8/6/2019 04:04:51 am
You do have so many attributes of an amazing coach. We wonder when we are disappointed, why things happen. Now I believe, having lived long, that the universe has plans for us. You’re meant to be in that third grade right now for a child, another teacher, a parent, and perhaps even that new coach. Stay open, you’ll feel it.
Reply
Kathleen
8/6/2019 04:40:28 pm
Thank you Susan! I appreciate your words so much, about me having the attributes of a coach. So I think what I have to do is use those attributes to be the best teacher possible and colleague. I will do my very best. Thanks for the words of advice and affirmation.
Reply
Eva Kaplan
8/6/2019 04:08:12 am
Kathleen you are the ultimate life long learner and it’s wonderful that you continue to challenge yourself each and every day. Your positivity and passion has touched so many educators, myself included. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your feelings in words.
Reply
Kathleen
8/6/2019 04:41:03 pm
Thank you Eva! I appreciate you and your words so very much.
Reply
Erika Victor
8/6/2019 04:46:25 am
Your honesty is always your strength. I have to disagree with some of your words- you ARE a coach. If I could have written as part of your portfolio I would have made it clear that you have coached me for years- you are always ready with a friendly nudge, a next step, a wealth of information. They missed the mark- you are more than ready for the job (but your third graders, team, and those of us who read you regularly) will continue to benefit from your coaching. Sending you hugs.
Reply
Kathleen
8/6/2019 04:42:50 pm
Thank you so much, Erika. Thank you for saying I am a coach and for generously saying that I've been helpful to you as a teacher. I really did feel ready for the job and hurt I was passed over but I am also happy to be with my students this year. Thank you for the kindness and the hugs from afar! Hope your school year is off to an amazing start- such lucky kids.
Reply
"Courage doesn't always roar:the quest to be better each day" - your blog title fits this slice perfectly.
Reply
Kathleen
8/6/2019 04:43:32 pm
Thank you Dawn! I appreciate your comment so much.
Reply
Adrienne Gillespie
8/6/2019 06:01:52 am
This might sound trite, but the Mother Superior's words in "A Sound Of Music" helped me when I didn't get some jobs I wanted: "When God closes a door He opens a window." Whether you believe in God or not, I think this holds true It took me two years to get a job after I decided to move back to middle school after some years in elementary. At first, I was heartbroken- I interviewed at two different schools, one of which had two jobs open - it really did a number on my self-esteem. The following year, having vowed I'd never interview again, I interviewed again at one of the schools that rejected me the year before. I ended up their top choice. This is all to say that your career is a marathon, not a sprint. Maybe this year's third graders really need you. Whatever happens, take what you learn this year and maybe the next time will be the right time for a change.
Reply
Kathleen
8/6/2019 04:44:45 pm
Hi Adrienne-
Reply
8/6/2019 06:24:06 am
It's easy to relate to your goal, your passionate efforts to achieve it, and your disappointment. I think we've all been there. Many other commenters have said inspirational things, and I don't have anything to add to them. Just sorry to hear that you didn't achieve your dream this time around.
Reply
Kathleen
8/6/2019 04:45:18 pm
Thank you so much, Diane!
Reply
8/6/2019 06:32:52 am
Oh Kathleen. I am so sorry. But I so appreciate your willingness to share this with us. Of course your loyal fan base here is scratching our collective heads thinking What? But another door will open for you and your many talents. Such lucky 3rd graders in the meantime. Best wishes, Christie
Reply
Kathleen
8/6/2019 04:46:40 pm
You made my day with "my loyal fan base" "scratching our collective heads"- thank you so much for that! :) I really appreciate you taking the time to say that to me. I've been so lifted today by sharing this post and reading all these warm and supportive comments. I am excited for the year ahead with my third graders.
Reply
Glenda M. Funk
8/6/2019 03:45:33 pm
My heart sank when I read the news. I know this hurt. I honestly believe expertise often works against us in education. It's a threat to others. I've watched this time and again. Yet I must have faith something even better awaits you, perhaps next year, perhaps sooner.
Reply
Kathleen
8/6/2019 04:48:25 pm
Thank you, Glenda, for empathizing with me. I am really sorry you also know this hurt and I agree with what you said regarding expertise. We will have to talk! I am looking forward to being a teacher this year, which is what I know best and what I've always wanted to do. I thought being a coach would be a good fit for me and an exciting new opportunity, but it wasn't to be.
Reply
Franmcveigh
8/6/2019 06:29:29 pm
You are a teacher. You are a leader. You are a coach. Keep growing and soon the title, your experience and your job expectations will align. Disappointments follow risks but yet you are in the right spot for a reason . . . to make a daily difference for your class of third graders. :-)
Reply
8/6/2019 06:45:26 pm
I've felt the gut-punch of failure that you write about here, Kathleen. It doubled me over for a time, left me feeling queasy with regret and doubt. Like your slice describes, I too eventually refocused. I made the most of current opportunities; I embraced unexpected new ones that emerged.. As always, I appreciate your honesty and wish you many moments of wonderful discovery in the school year to come.
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorKathleen Neagle Sokolowski Archives
February 2024
Categories |